Live in Balsall Common? Feel you’re struggling to fit in? Or perhaps you’re thinking of moving to the area? Here’s everything you need to know about blending in:
The School run
When taking the kids to school stick carefully to the speed limit even if you’re in a hurry. Save valuable seconds by slamming the brakes on outside the school. Leave the car exactly where it stops in the middle of the road. Pay no heed to other road users and piddle about getting 4 kids out the car before running around like a loon after your Springer Spaniel who’s spotted loads of interesting stuff to sniff. Remain oblivious to the traffic jam you caused. Act all bemused when angry motorists shout at you. They don’t understand what it’s like, to be busy like you, chasing ‘crazy dog’ and shepherding your kids to the school gate. Forgive them. Nincompoops.
Moan and complain about the lack of things for kids to do.
Moan about the lack of policing in the village. It may not be the Bronx but living in Balsall Common means you should be entitled to an armed police escort each time you make a trip to the letter box.
Be a Judge on Balsall’s Got Talent
Judge Balsall’s chavs for wearing designer clobber and still not speaking proper. Innit. Judge your neighbours on the size of their wallet not their personalities. Judge them on the size of their gardens and cars on the drive.
Judge the quality of service in the shops and say it’s rubbish even when it’s not. Judge them on BalsallCom.Com
Offer your expert view on traffic, litter, policing and schooling. Judge the Heart of England School – say it’s rubbish even if it’s not. Refer to it as Grange Hill or Waterloo Road.
Judge Balsall Common. Be harsh but fair. In fact just be harsh. The fact you live in Balsall Common doesn’t make life fair.
Moan moan moan
Moan about the traffic. Moan about the shops, there’s not enough and they’re the wrong type. Moan about the lack of parking. Moan about the proposed site of the new medical centre because it’s something else to moan about. Complain there’s too many Asian restaurants and no Pizza house.
Moan about the allotments. You didn’t know they were coming and didn’t get to have one. You have a 2 acre garden but no space to grow vegetables. And your garden would look terrible with a cabbage patch in the corner. It’s just not on. Write to Caroline Spelman. Demand an enquiry.
Moan about where the council puts new benches because it’s something to do.
Moan about dog poo.
Moan about skate-boarders. Even if they’re doing nothing wrong. Moan about the kids on the street when all they’re doing is hanging out with mates.
Moan about the pubs. Moan about the Co-op. Moan about the traffic then drive your kids 100 metres to school in your 5th car because it’s kinder to the environment.
Shop at the Co-op then say it’s rubbish. Shop there again and complain some more.
Moan about the fact there’s not enough to moan about because you live in Balsall Common. Apart from that life’s alright, mustn’t grumble. Grumble anyway. The grass you’re standing on is green. Argue it’s blue.
Master all this and suddenly hey-presto – Balsall Common is so right for you.
Or you could break the mould and go about saying Balsall is really quite good. Because actually, it is. No? Oh OK then.
12th April 2009