Explosion of hairdressing solutions in Balsall Common explained (finally)

The long running mystery behind the rising numbers of hairdressers operating in Balsall Common became much clearer when details of secret military experiments undertaken at the Heart of England School were uncovered in a set of leaked documents marked ‘Top Secret’. The documents contained remarkable details of a secret research laboratory based deep in the bowels of the school on Gypsy Lane, which had been deployed in the testing and development of chemical weapons, including prototype strains of the somewhat bizarre sounding ‘Rapid Hair Growth’ gases (RHGs). The documents also contained shocking details of a freak accident in which quantities of experimental RHG gases escaped into the atmosphere.

The incident, which was quickly covered up, occurred during testing in August 2008 when the school was closed for the holidays. This startling evidence shows why local hairdressers had been so busy battling hair growth, which to them seemed to be spreading like wildfire. And unbeknown to the general populace, reinforcements were soon flooding into the area to help tackle the situation. The exact number of hair containment specialists swamping the area has proven difficult to pin down, but estimates suggest the number, including support staff, stands somewhere in the region of 8 million.

A curiosity about this mystery – which had kept residents baffled and BalsallCom.Com’s Facebook page abuzz with complaints about “too many hairdressers – not enough proper shops” – is that few observers seemed to notice what was happening. Despite the fact the hair of the average resident was growing at an unnatural rate, most people seemed to prefer to stick their heads in the sand and pretend nothing unusual was happening.

“We were wondering why on earth Balsall Common needed 38,000 hairdressing shops and 8 million staff, they just suddenly sprung up everywhere, from nowhere!” said one baffled resident who preferred not to be named, “We never thought all these hairdressers were actually needed. I can’t believe nobody noticed everybody’s hair was growing quicker. Well the hairdressers probably did, but they weren’t going to tell us were they.”

Curiously the gases that escaped into the local atmosphere appear to have had some limitations, with evidence so far pointing to the fact they are not yet a cure for baldness, as one resident observed,

“What about the bald people eh? They’ve got away scot-free. Look at ‘Gary Baldy’ over there, it hasn’t affected him. You can still see your face reflecting off his head look!”

A spokesperson for Solihull Council admitted that a previous investigation – conducted in response to complaints from residents – had drawn a blank. Indeed he described the matter as,

“A complete mystery, a bit like crop circles”.

A study of Top Secret documents reveals that RHGs – chemical weapons designed for use in conflict zones such as Afghanistan – were being tested in the Heart of England School bike sheds in a series of controlled explosions when an unspecified but significant quantity of gases escaped into the atmosphere. The purpose of RHGs is unclear, but an unconfirmed source suggested they were being developed to cause hair growth so rapid as to cause temporary blindness and confusion, during which time the hair would continue growing rapidly towards the floor causing victims to become horribly and painfully tangled in their own hair,
“A bit like a fly getting trapped in a spiders web” according to one unnamed source.

Indeed it would appear the harmless sounding gases will have a big role to play in future conflicts.

“Although the RHGs are nowhere near this effective yet, the intention is for them to cause sudden and uncontrollable spurts of growth, such that the hair literally flows down in front of the eyes and face, causing temporary blindness, before zooming down to the floor and literally engulfing its’ victims within a couple of seconds. When we get this stuff right – which we’re well on the way to doing – it’ll be lethal.”

In the meantime it’s unfortunate local residents who have suffered, through rising costs in hair management, caused by prototype gases, which whilst not fully potent, are already powerful enough to make weekly trips to the hairdressers commonplace.

A Government scientist responding to fierce criticism at a public enquiry about the reckless nature of some of the testing, which included sequences carried out in the school bike sheds, admitted to some omissions when it came to public safety,

“Yes there were one or two oversights. Unfortunately we carried out some of our tests in the bike sheds, which have no sides to them, meaning lots of chemicals escaped into the atmosphere. Obviously this seems to have caused some hair in the area to grow a bit quicker. With hindsight it’s quite funny that we could have made such a silly mistake, you’ve got to laugh really.”

This statement appeared to hit a nerve. Nobody was laughing. Indeed the audience were more irate than jolly about the matter and the spokesman had to leave. Fast.

This incredible blunder has proven to be something of a jackpot for hair reduction specialists (i.e. hairdressers), who have been flooding into the area to help fight off the incredible hair surge. But it seems you can’t please anybody. One resident who hadn’t been affected by the gases complained,

“How come it hasn’t affected me? I’m still bald.”

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Craigy B
8th August 2011