14/03/06 – Football: Balsall & Berkswell FC lose plot

CraigyB writes “Balsall FC’s propensity for mass muppetery has seen them tumble ingloriously from a position of strength as title contenders to ‘dog-eared also-rans’.

Having recently developed the habit of shipping goals in the closing minutes of matches the B’s have turned the cliche of ‘snatching defeat from the jaws of victory’ into an art form. Within a matter of weeks Balsall have slipped from title contention to 6th place in the awe-inspiringly named Continental Products Alliance Division Three, 9 points off the promotion places.

An example of the B’s muppetery displayed recently when leading 3-2 with 5 minutes to go, the boys slipped into charity mode and gave away 3 goals to lose 5-3.

There have of course been mitigating factors. Front-man and leading scorer Liam White suffered a career threatening injury when his leg suddenly turned and ran away from him, leaving his foot pointing the wrong way from the bottom of his leg. The normally robust goalkeeper Pat Milnes instigated an ill-advised experiment applied teflon (the non-stick stuff) to his gloves, causing him to scoop a number of balls into his own net or into the path of passing strikers. Mark Proffitt was vork-sprung-hamstrung early in the season and hasn’t returned. And a number of other players have been sidelined due to injury.

However, none of this hides the fact the team has developed a preference for playing 85 minutes instead of 90.

Below are links to a number of reports that hint at the early promise but steady decline of our beloved B’s:

News of a player stolen by a helicopter during a game

Captain Cranium

An appearance by Gaz Coombes from Supergrass

Balsall player stolen from pitch by paras
Balsall’s first fall
Balsall’s magnificent spacemen